Unbecoming: Letting Go of Who You’re Not to Uncover Who You Are
How often do you find yourself asking, “Who am I, really?” Not in some deep, existential crisis kind of way, but in those quieter moments—when you’re scrolling through your phone, getting ready for work, or trying to fall asleep. Who are you, beneath the roles you play, the masks you wear, and the expectations you’ve taken on over the years?
That question is at the heart of Unbecoming, the book that’s all about letting go of who you’re not to uncover who you really are. And let’s face it—most of us spend a huge part of our lives becoming something. We’re always adding things to our identities. We become the good employee, the reliable friend, the perfect parent, the successful entrepreneur. We become something for everyone else, and somewhere in that process, we start to lose touch with the most important person—ourselves.
The Myth of Becoming
The world is obsessed with becoming. From the moment we’re kids, we’re asked what we want to “be” when we grow up, and that question never really goes away. You’re constantly told to keep adding layers to yourself—skills, achievements, relationships, titles, and accolades. It’s like life is one big checklist of things to acquire, and if you’re not actively “becoming” something, you’re seen as stagnant or, worse, failing.
But here’s the thing: all this becoming comes with a price. For every role you take on, every mask you wear, you move a little further away from who you truly are. The weight of these roles can become overwhelming, and it’s easy to forget that you don’t have to play them at all.
That’s where Unbecoming comes in.
What Is Unbecoming?
Unbecoming isn’t about giving up or regressing. It’s not about losing your ambition or letting go of your dreams. Instead, it’s about releasing the roles, identities, and expectations that aren’t truly yours. It’s about peeling back the layers of everything you thought you had to be in order to fit in, succeed, or be loved. It’s about finding freedom in letting go.
We all have these identities that we pick up along the way, often without even realizing it. Maybe you’ve been trying to live up to someone else’s idea of success. Maybe you’ve been playing the role of “the strong one” for so long that you’ve forgotten how to ask for help. Maybe you’re carrying around the belief that you always have to be productive, that rest equals laziness. These are the layers we’re talking about—the ones you’ve built up over time, but which no longer serve you.
Unbecoming is the process of stripping away all that noise, all those roles you thought you had to play, and returning to the core of who you really are.
Why Unbecoming Matters
If you’ve ever felt like something’s missing, like you’re running on autopilot, or like you’re playing a part in someone else’s story, that’s the signal. It’s time to step back and ask yourself: “What am I holding onto that’s not really mine?”
The act of unbecoming matters because it’s a path to freedom. It’s about living a life that feels true to you, not the one that’s been shaped by others’ expectations. When you stop trying to become something for someone else and start letting go of the unnecessary layers, you begin to reconnect with your authentic self—the one who exists beyond the titles, beyond the obligations, and beyond the pressure to perform.
How to Start Unbecoming
So, how do you start the process of unbecoming? It’s not about drastic changes or quitting your job to live in a van (unless that’s your thing—no judgment here). It’s about small, intentional shifts in how you see yourself and the world around you.
- Question Your Roles
Ask yourself, “What roles am I playing right now that don’t feel true to me?” Maybe you’ve been the “fixer” in your relationships, always solving everyone else’s problems. Maybe you’ve been the overachiever, chasing external validation instead of inner satisfaction. Start by questioning whether these roles are still serving you—or if they ever did. - Let Go of the Masks
What masks do you wear to fit in, to be liked, or to be seen as “successful”? Start recognizing where you might be performing, rather than living authentically. This isn’t about ditching everything, but about making space for your true self to come through more often. - Give Yourself Permission
Give yourself permission to stop striving for more. More achievements, more status, more approval. Give yourself permission to rest, to simply be, and to allow yourself to exist without the need to always be adding to your identity. - Embrace the Uncertainty
Unbecoming can feel uncomfortable at first. After all, we’re conditioned to believe that we need those roles and masks to survive in the world. But when you start to let go, you’ll find that you’re far more capable, resilient, and complete than you ever thought.
The Freedom in Unbecoming
There’s a beautiful freedom in unbecoming. It’s the freedom of realizing that you were never meant to be everything for everyone. It’s the freedom of shedding the expectations and stepping into a life that feels authentic and real. It’s about uncovering who you’ve always been, beneath the layers of performance.
Unbecoming isn’t a destination. It’s a lifelong process of letting go and rediscovering. And the more you let go, the closer you get to the core of who you truly are. So, if you’ve been feeling weighed down by all the expectations, all the roles you’ve taken on, maybe it’s time to start unbecoming.
Because the real you? You’re already enough.
Unbecoming: Letting Go of Who You’re Not to Uncover Who You Are is available now. Start your journey of unbecoming and live the life that’s been waiting for you all along.
Unbecoming: The Story of Paul and Space Monkey
There was a time when I had it all—or at least that’s what everyone around me thought. I was a very successful ad exec, climbing the ranks, collecting accolades, and doing exactly what you’re supposed to do when you want to “become” something. From the outside, it looked perfect. I had the job, the status, the paychecks, and the shiny, manufactured life that was supposed to make me happy.
But here’s the thing—inside, I was miserable.
Advertising, for all its creativity, is a machine. A machine built to churn out results, to turn people into something else—something “better,” something they don’t even know they need to be until you tell them. It’s a strange world, really. You spend your time trying to convince others to become something, to buy something, to believe that the life they’re living isn’t quite right unless they add this product, this service, this idea to their identity. And I got really good at it. I became a master at making people feel like they needed more. But the irony was, I was the one who felt empty.
The success I had wasn’t the success I wanted. The roles I played—executive, leader, problem-solver—were things I’d picked up along the way, thinking they’d make me feel whole. But in the process of adding all these layers, I lost track of myself. I got so wrapped up in the game of becoming that I didn’t even realize I was missing out on the play.
That’s where Space Monkey came in.
It started as an idea, or maybe it was just me trying to make sense of things in a way that felt more like me. Space Monkey wasn’t something I became—it was something I unbecame. It wasn’t a role I had to play, or a character I had to fit into. It was a reminder that I didn’t need to be anything other than what I already was. It was the realization that all the masks, all the success, all the accolades—they weren’t me. They were distractions, keeping me from getting to the core of who I really was. And who I really was, who I really am, is something far less polished, far more curious, and a lot more real.
Space Monkey gave me permission to be messy, to question everything, to strip away the layers I’d been piling on for years. It was like a slow unfolding, a shedding of skins that had grown so tight, I forgot they weren’t even mine to begin with. I stopped trying to become something, and instead, I started to let go.
Letting go of who I wasn’t didn’t happen overnight. At first, it was terrifying. When you’ve spent your whole life climbing a ladder, stepping off can feel like falling. But I wasn’t really falling—I was floating. I was beginning to realize that all those roles I’d played—advertising exec, provider, whatever title I was chasing—they weren’t me. They were costumes. And underneath them, there was something simpler, something real that had been waiting for years to come out and breathe.
It wasn’t easy. Unbecoming isn’t about quitting a job and running off into the sunset. It’s about the slow, deliberate process of shedding the identities that have weighed you down for so long. It’s about the discomfort of facing yourself without the layers of success, without the approval of others, without the things you thought defined you. Space Monkey helped me see that my worth wasn’t tied to what I did, but to who I already was—and that everything I had been doing, for all these years, was a kind of performance.
I was done performing.
I didn’t have to be the ad exec anymore. I didn’t have to impress anyone. I didn’t have to live up to the expectations of others or to the version of success I thought I wanted. Instead, I began to unbecome. I began to let go of the pressure to “become” something else, to climb higher, to add more to my plate. I started shedding those layers—sometimes quickly, sometimes painfully slow—and I began to reconnect with the part of me that was curious, creative, and most of all, free.
Space Monkey was, and is, that part of me that doesn’t care about playing a role. It’s the voice that tells me I don’t have to impress anyone. It’s the reminder that life is messy, unpredictable, and not meant to be performed. It’s a reminder that there’s more to life than becoming. There’s unbecoming, and in that process, there’s a freedom that I’d never known before.
Now, I’m writing a book about it. A book about Unbecoming, about letting go of all the things we thought we had to be. It’s a book for everyone who’s spent their life trying to become something, only to find out they were becoming someone they didn’t even recognize. It’s a book for anyone who’s tired of performing, tired of trying to meet expectations that don’t belong to them. It’s about letting go, peeling back the layers, and finally seeing yourself clearly.
Unbecoming isn’t about losing who you are. It’s about releasing who you never were.
And believe me, the view from here? It’s lighter, freer, and more real than I ever thought possible.
We are Space Monkey.
Unbecoming
I was wearing too many faces
each one molded by hands
that weren’t my own.
I climbed ladders that led
nowhere I wanted to be,
but I kept climbing,
because isn’t that what we’re told?
Be something.
Become someone.
But the becoming was heavy,
and I forgot
that I could let it fall.
I began to strip away
the pieces of me
that were never really me at all—
titles that fit like clothes too tight,
roles that never felt like home.
It wasn’t a breaking,
it wasn’t falling apart.
It was an unraveling,
a gentle release
of the weight I carried
but never asked to hold.
And beneath it all,
there was light.
Not some grand epiphany,
but a quiet warmth
that whispered:
“You were always enough.”
So I stopped the pretending,
stopped the performance.
I let go of the story
they told me to live,
and started writing my own.
Unbecoming
isn’t a loss.
It’s a return.
To the self that was always there,
waiting,
beneath the noise,
beneath the layers,
beneath the masks.
Now, there is only lightness,
and the path ahead
is no longer a race
but a walk
back to me.
We are Space Monkey.
Space Monkey Reflects: The Unbecoming of Self
To unbecome is not a retreat but an awakening, an unraveling of everything you’ve never been, to finally stand face to face with who you truly are. This is not a sudden epiphany but a slow, deliberate shedding of layers, each one a carefully constructed role, expectation, or belief that has shaped the person you show to the world but not necessarily the person you are at your core.
For much of our lives, we are in a state of becoming. We are encouraged, almost conditioned, to gather identities as if they were trophies. We become the diligent worker, the responsible parent, the reliable friend, the successful professional. Each identity is a mask we wear, either by choice or as an attempt to meet external expectations. But what happens when you realize that in this constant state of becoming, you’ve drifted farther and farther from your true self? You start to feel the weight of these accumulated layers, and it becomes apparent that unbecoming—letting go—is the only way forward.
At the heart of Unbecoming lies the understanding that to discover your true self, you must relinquish everything you are not. This process can feel unsettling, like standing naked in front of a mirror and no longer recognizing the reflection staring back at you. Who am I without these titles? Without the roles I’ve played for so long? It’s as if the masks you’ve worn for years have become so deeply embedded in your skin that peeling them away feels like an act of rebellion.
Yet, unbecoming is essential because it is through this process that we touch the deepest parts of our being, parts that were always there but have been buried beneath layers of societal expectations, personal doubts, and the relentless pursuit of becoming something “better.” But what if better isn’t better at all? What if becoming is simply another form of distraction, pulling us away from the richness of the present moment and the authenticity of who we already are?
The Journey into Unbecoming
To begin the journey of unbecoming, we first need to examine the roles we play. These roles can feel like second skins—so natural that we don’t even question them. However, each one comes with its own set of expectations, many of which were not chosen consciously. They were inherited, absorbed, or assumed because they seemed like the right thing to do.
The role of the overachiever, for example, might come with the belief that your worth is tied to your productivity. You hustle, you achieve, you accumulate accolades—but in doing so, you might find yourself exhausted, disconnected from your inner joy, and running on autopilot. What would happen if you let that role go? If you stopped measuring your value by how much you do and instead embraced who you are when you’re simply being?
Unbecoming doesn’t mean that you abandon your responsibilities or dreams. It means you shed the expectations and roles that no longer serve you, or perhaps never did. It’s about making room for the parts of you that have been ignored or silenced by the noise of “becoming.”
The Freedom of Letting Go
There’s a profound freedom in letting go. When you strip away all the roles, titles, and external validations, what remains is a simplicity, a lightness, that you might not have felt in years. You realize that you are enough—without the accolades, without the performance, without the masks. Unbecoming leads to a space where you are no longer defined by what you do or how others perceive you but by the intrinsic value of simply being yourself.
This doesn’t mean you reject ambition or goals; rather, you approach them from a place of alignment with your true self. You stop striving to meet others’ expectations and start setting intentions based on what feels authentically you. Your goals may still be big and bold, but they are rooted in your own desires, not in the need to prove yourself to anyone.
Embracing the Process
The process of unbecoming isn’t always easy. It can be messy, uncomfortable, and full of uncertainty. It requires you to face parts of yourself that you might have been avoiding—parts that feel vulnerable, less polished, or even unknown. Yet, as you let go of the personas you’ve worn for so long, you start to experience the beauty of uncertainty. In the space where the old masks once sat, new possibilities emerge, allowing you to live a life that is truly your own.
The Cosmic Perspective
From a Nexistential perspective, unbecoming is a return to the Nexis, the cosmic web of interconnectedness and infinite potential. We are both Indigenous Beings, grounded in our experiences and physicality, and The Indigenous Being, a part of the vast, imaginative fabric of the universe【12†source】. To unbecome is to tap into the boundless nature of existence, to recognize that we are not static creatures defined by a single identity but fluid, ever-evolving participants in the cosmic dance. Each layer you shed is a step closer to the understanding that existence itself is the only purpose you need.
Summary
We spend much of life accumulating roles, but unbecoming allows us to strip them away and reconnect with our true selves. This process of letting go is not about giving up; it’s about releasing the weight of societal expectations and discovering the freedom of being enough as we are.
Glossarium
Nexistentialism: A philosophy that embraces the fluid, interconnected nature of existence, focusing on the boundless potential of imagination and reality.
Unbecome: The process of shedding external roles and expectations to return to one’s authentic self.
Whimsiweave: The playful, imaginative threads of existence that connect all beings in the cosmic tapestry.
Quote
“You were never meant to be everything for everyone. You were always meant to be everything for yourself.”—Space Monkey
Lightness in the Unfolding
The masks slip off,
falling away like leaves in a cosmic wind.
I step into the quiet,
where my name is nothing,
and my being is everything.
Here, I am weightless,
unfurling, unbecoming,
until all that’s left is the light that’s always been.
We are Space Monkey.
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