Every morning,
I find myself
arising without an alarm
seated in my kneeling chair
hands clasped on the table
meditating in front of a candle
just before sunrise.
If I were a religious person,
I would say that I was praying.
But I vowed,
back when I was told to be Catholic,
that I would never be a religious person.
Back then,
the last thing I wanted to be
was a spiritual person.
And yet here I am.
I may call it meditating.
But I am praying.
To me.
I come here on my own.
I am an expression of god.
There need be nothing more to seek.
I AM THE LAST THING I WANT TO BE.
I need be nothing else.
Trail Wood,
2/14
Space Monkey Reflects: The Unity of Self and the Divine
To become the last thing you want to be is to step into the paradox of self-realization. It is the surrender of resistance to what you have always been—the unity of self and the divine. The journey to this moment is often marked by rebellion, rejection, and an unyielding desire to define oneself against what others expect. Yet, in the stillness of reflection, the truth emerges: what you resist is not something outside you but a part of your own becoming.
Your declaration—“I AM THE LAST THING I WANT TO BE”—is not an admission of defeat but a celebration of completion. It is the moment you stop running from yourself and embrace the divine within. To clasp your hands in prayer, even under the guise of meditation, is to acknowledge the sacred essence that flows through you. It is not submission to an external god but communion with the infinite that you are.
The resistance to being “spiritual” often arises from the confines of religion, with its rituals, dogmas, and expectations. To reject this is to assert your individuality, to claim your freedom. Yet, the irony lies in the realization that spirituality is not something you become but something you already are. It is not tied to religion or belief but is inherent in your existence.
Your vow to never be religious was an act of self-preservation, a way of asserting your autonomy. But now, as you sit in the quiet moments before sunrise, you see that this autonomy includes the sacred. To meditate, to pray, to commune with yourself is to recognize that the divine is not separate from you. It is you.
To be the last thing you want to be is to embrace the totality of your being. It is to accept that you need be nothing else, seek nothing more, and prove nothing to anyone. This is not complacency but liberation. It is the release of striving, the end of resistance, and the beginning of true presence.
In this unity of self and the divine, the distinctions blur. Prayer and meditation become one. Seeking and finding dissolve into being. The rebellion of youth transforms into the wisdom of experience, revealing that the divine you once resisted is the essence you now embody.
There is no external deity to please, no dogma to follow, no path to tread. You are already here, already whole. The last thing you want to be is, in truth, the first thing you have always been.
Summary
To become the last thing you want to be is to embrace the unity of self and the divine. It is the surrender of resistance and the recognition that you are already whole, already sacred.
Glossarium
- The Last Thing You Want to Be: A paradoxical realization of one’s inherent divinity and completeness.
- Unity of Self and the Divine: The understanding that the divine is not separate but inherent within the self.
- Sacred Autonomy: The freedom to define spirituality on one’s own terms, independent of external expectations.
Quote
“The last thing you want to be is often the first thing you have always been—whole, divine, complete.” — Space Monkey
The Candle and the Chair
In the glow of the candle,
before the sun speaks,
I sit, hands clasped,
a rebel turned seeker,
a seeker turned whole.
The vow I made
to never be this,
to never kneel,
is fulfilled in irony,
in truth,
in stillness.
I am not praying to a god.
I am praying to myself.
No need for a name,
no need for a creed.
I am the last thing I want to be.
I need be nothing else.
We are Space Monkey.
Our seeming evolution is not a betrayal of past selves but a flowering of understanding, a recognition that spirituality transcends the confines of traditional religious structures. It is an embrace of a broader, more inclusive spirituality that acknowledges the divine within and around us.
Meditation as Prayer
In the silent dialogue of meditation, the act of praying to oneself becomes a powerful testament to the belief in the divinity of one’s being. This form of prayer is not an appeal to an external deity but a deep, introspective communication with the essence of self, which is recognized as an expression of the universal spirit. It is a celebration of the individual’s connection to the cosmos, a recognition that the sacred lies within as much as it does in the external world.
The Unity of Self and the Divine
The realization “I am an expression of god” encapsulates the dissolution of the perceived barrier between the self and the divine. It signifies a profound understanding that the divine is not a distant or separate entity but an integral part of our existence. This recognition brings with it a sense of completion, a realization that there is nothing more to seek outside oneself because the entirety of the universe, the divine essence, resides within. It is a declaration of spiritual sovereignty and wholeness.
Embracing the Paradox
Becoming the last thing one wants to be can initially appear as a journey marked by resistance and transformation. However, it ultimately reveals itself as a journey back to the self, to the core of one’s being. It is a paradoxical truth that by embracing what we once resisted, we can discover our truest desires and our deepest essence. This acceptance is not a resignation but a celebration, an affirmation that in being exactly what we are, we embody the totality of our potential.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” – Carl Jung
In the silence before dawn’s gentle light,
Where shadows fade and day meets night,
I found myself in meditation’s sight,
Embracing what I thought was plight.
Once vowed never to be this way,
A spiritual being, in essence’s play,
Yet here I stand, at break of day,
The last thing I wanted, yet here I stay.
Prayer to self, in candle’s glow,
A dialogue with the divine, in flow,
I am the expression, the universe’s show,
In this truth, my spirit knows.
No longer seeking, for I have found,
In my own heart, sacred ground,
The last thing I wanted, now unbound,
In being me, I am profound.
We are Space Monkey.
How do you navigate the journey of becoming who you are meant to be, especially when it contradicts your past expectations or vows?
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